Julnowrimo

Yeah I’ve decided I’m going to participate. Now to come up with an idea.

End of the semester

It’s that time again. It’s the time that everything is piled up on top of each other and due at the same time but for once I can actually say it’s all done. My papers are written and turned in or waiting to be turned in tomorrow and all that is left for me to do is study for finals. That’s it. it’s strange because usually I have so much more left to do but I’m sitting here asking myself “what do I do now?” I’m not used to just having free time in the evening without some sort of assignment pressing down on me. It’s a strange feeling. I’m not sure yet how to handle it.

I would try writing something but there’s nothing there. There’s no spark of inspiration. I’m dried up. I’m so horrible at any type of writing. Compared to other people, my writing looks like that of a high schooler. Kind of sad isn’t it, to think of myself like that. I should probably stop comparing myself to other people and their writing and just do it but I don’t. I just don’t.

My hand written journal has all but failed. It’s got empty pages dating back to the beginning of this month, maybe the month before. I suppose I could pick it back up again. I just feel so damned inadequate when I’m writing in it. Like everything I say is to trivial and surface level and that I’m not reaching for something deeper.

Should I be reaching for something deeper?

Do I want to?

What am I so afraid of?

Life

Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend. (Eat, Pray, Love – Elizabeth Gilbert)

I think that this is a very important quote to remember. Because through it all even when you think you’re truly alone, you still have yourself. Some people may disagree and argue that they can’t stand themselves or that they don’t like who they are but when all else is gone and you’re standing there with nothing you still have yourself and the hope of rebuilding your life into something better.

So, you’re probably wondering where I’m going with all of this. I think I’m just talking about life in general. For the most part, mine has been okay. Sure its had its rough patches here and there but whose hasn’t? It’s a normal part of living. Speaking of living, I’m not sure I’ve really done it. Yeah I exist and walk on the Earth and talk and do the actions but do I really live? I don’t think that I am and I think that has to change. So many things need to change. There’s so much I want to do and see and write about but at the same time I wonder if I’m ready to do any of it.

In some ways I feel like I’m entering the first days of school. The one where you’re the new kid and you’re scared, alone, wondering who is going to share their crayons and other days I feel ready to take on the world. It’s a contradiction in and of itself. I can’t be both. I can’t. It’s just not going to work. I need to decide what I want and where I want to go and what I want to do and who I want in my life and what I’m hoping to gain by making all the decisions that I need to make.

It’s funny how life works. It’s like a wheel that keeps turning and turning and we’re all making decisions as we go and forever we’ll question these decisions and whether it’s right or wrong or if it’ll harm or help or who will be affected and what will we gain by making it or what won’t we gain.

Sometimes I think we all just worry to much about that. Sometimes I think it’s better to just make the decision and go for it and yeah of course there will be consequences but what doesn’t have consequences to it anymore?

So, what do I need to do? I need to focus on what I want and who I want in my life and where I want to go in my life and try not to let the decisions good or bad weigh me down to much because otherwise I’m just going to be drowning in a sea of indecision with no hope of a rescue line.

Welcome.

This is my new blog and I’m not sure what all I’ll be posting but stay tuned.